reflection

After a busy holiday season, Christmas break has finally provided some time for rest and reflection.

 

My emotions have been all over the map for the last couple weeks. Most recently, I've been filled with joy as we celebrated our Savior's birth with family and friends. Yet even in these days of happy rejoicing, here and there my heart remembers all those who are grieving during this holiday season -- those close to home and far away, family, friends or those I've never met. Regardless, my heart has been with them, along with my prayers.

 

I couldn't help but think especially of those families in Newtown, Connecticut. Ever since I heard the news of the devastating tragedy they faced on that unforgettable Friday, I've had a hard time not thinking about it. Being an elementary school teacher myself, this tragedy had even greater impact for me than previous public shootings.

 

I was relieved not to hear about the devastation at Sandy Hook Elementary School until after my own school day was finished. I saw a few parents upset when picking up their kids that day and I wondered why. Had I known the reason, I think I would've been equally emotional with my students. When I did hear the news from a colleague shortly after school, I was shocked. My mind flooded with questions, the main one being: "Who could do such a thing, and WHY?" I wanted to learn more but decided that watching the news was not a good option for me. I am a very visual person and images stay in my mind long after I've seen them. I didn't want to fill my mind with images of the terror that happened that day. I was already imagining it, and so disturbed just thinking of the elementary school students and staff who bore witness to it all.

 

Though I did listen to the NPR radio coverage on my way home that day, and had to try hard to hold back my tears. Over the next couple days, I kept thinking of those parents who couldn't tuck their children in that night, or those students shaking in their hiding places, or the teachers and staff who did everything they could think of to comfort and protect the students they loved so much. I also thought of the first responders who had no choice but to be strong, even when they too probably wanted to close their eyes and cry.

 

By Sunday morning, I decided I should turn on the TV to honor those whose lives were lost by seeing their names and faces on the screen. In each face, it was hard not to see my own students shining eyes or smiles, or those of my colleagues. To me, it was a grim reminder that this tragedy could've happened anywhere, at any school.

 

That night, I also tuned in to the Interfaith Prayer Service that was held in Newtown in honor of the victims. I joined in with my own prayers, that somehow God would bring good out of such a bad situation, and that he would comfort the families of those beloved 26 and the entire Newtown community.

 

Perhaps watching the news that day was not the wisest decision for me though. Sunday night, I laid awake in bed for hours. Thoughts and emotions ran wild in my mind --- sadness for those affected, fear for the safety of my own school, dread for the conversation I would have with my class the next day, and one looming question:

 

As a teacher, what would I do in that situation?

 

I have the utmost respect for those teachers and administrators who gave their lives to save others. I can only hope that I would do the same for my precious 7-8 year olds if I were ever in the position to do so. I'm sure God would give me strength and wisdom in times of danger, and I trust Him to protect us. Yet, that night as I laid awake, I couldn't help but form a plan. I felt there had to be something I could do, even something small, that would make my students (and myself) feel the slightest bit more secure at school. I decided to keep my classroom door locked from that point on, but propped open with a wooden block door stopper, so students and teachers can still go in and out easily even if the door is closed. This way, in the event of an emergency, I wouldn't have to go to my desk, get my keys, then run to the opposite side of the room, go into the hallway, and lock the door from the outside. Instead, just one kick of the door stopper will allow me to close and lock the door quickly. I'm also grateful to have a bathroom in my classroom this year, where I could hide all the little ones and guard it with my life. I pray I never have to.

 

It was different walking into school that following Monday morning. Though I know it is still a secure place to be, it felt less safe and sacred than it did the week before. We met as a staff to discuss how to talk about the tragedy with our students in an age appropriate way. I was worried that my 2nd graders would be talking about it together before I could even address it with the class. But amazingly (a total God moment!), they knew better than to bring it up as "playground conversation." When we met for devotions as a class, I told them something sad happened at a school in CT --- that some students and teachers were hurt and we needed to pray for them and their families. I asked them to raise their hands if they already heard about this sad story and talked about it with their parents. The majority of them raised their hands. We spent some time in prayer, and I closed by telling them they could write me a note during the day if they wanted to tell me what they knew or ask questions about what happened. A few took me up on the offer, wanting to fill me in on what they learned from their parents, but most had already moved on and were now more concerned with which book to read or what to play at recess. Only one student's question was hard for me to answer:

 

"My mom says it will never happen to me. Is that true, Mrs. Beverly?"

 

Oh, if only I could say, "Yes. Definitely. It will never happen to you." But how, in this sinful world, could I make such a promise? I quickly came up with an alternative answer. I assured this student that our school is a safe place to be, and that teachers will do anything to protect their students. I reminded her that incidents like the one in Sandy Hook Elementary School don't happen often, and that there are millions of students who go to school around the world every day and go home unharmed. And thankfully, since I work in a Christian school, I could leave her with one more important truth. While I can't promise her that evil will never invade our school, I can promise that God is watching over us and will NEVER leave us. With that, this sweet girl skipped back to her desk and resumed her reading.

 

Funny how what I told her was exactly what I needed to hear too. 

 

After Monday, each day at school got a little easier as we all adjusted back to routine. Little by little, I was able to pull my mind away from Friday's tragedy and refocus on my students. Even during Wednesday's lock down drill, the kids were not fearful, knowing that the drills we practice are just another thing we do to stay safe at school.

 

While I initially dreaded talking to my students after this tragedy, I can now say that being with them was the best way to remind myself that we cannot live in fear. We can take precautions, but ultimately our strength and trust can only come from God alone.

 

My prayer for the Newtown community is that they will also be able to find strength in God through this incredibly difficult time.